Valerie Zhou

The Left Seat of The Car

When I was brought home from the hospital 15 years ago

I was put in the left seat of the second row of the car

And since then the left seat has been mine

From carseat to booster seat

The left seat has always been mine

And the right has always been yours

Safeway runs and dinners and family roadtrips

It’s always been the same

The left seat is mine and the right is yours

But I started sitting in the middle seat lately

Ever since I looked over

And the right seat was empty

And the car felt a little bigger than I remembered

And there was more legroom than I knew what to do with

I’ve been filling the back row by myself for quite some time now

Gone from left to middle to left to right

Tried my best to figure out which one feels correct

But it’s none of them

The left feels wrong

Something’s missing and it’s too empty

And I really don’t understand where you went

And the middle feels wrong

Because I can’t fill the space by myself

And I can’t just cover it up and pretend it’s normal

But the right feels the worst

And it shouldn’t

It shouldn’t feel like stealing

Or forgetting

Or moving on

Because I’m not

When I was brought home from the hospital 15 years ago

I was put in the left seat of the second row of the car

And since then the left seat has been mine

From carseat to booster seat

The left seat has always been mine

And the right has always been yours

Safeway runs and dinners and family roadtrips

It’s always been the same

The left seat is mine and the right is yours

But I started sitting in the middle seat lately

Ever since I looked over

And the right seat was empty

And the car felt a little bigger than I remembered

And there was more legroom than I knew what to do with

I’ve been filling the back row by myself for quite some time now

Gone from left to middle to left to right

Tried my best to figure out which one feels correct

But it’s none of them

The left feels wrong

Something’s missing and it’s too empty

And I really don’t understand where you went

And the middle feels wrong

Because I can’t fill the space by myself

And I can’t just cover it up and pretend it’s normal

But the right feels the worst

And it shouldn’t

It shouldn’t feel like stealing

Or forgetting

Or moving on

Because I’m not

Author’s Words:

Ever since I was little, my sister sat on the right side and I sat on the left. But she left for college recently and I don't know where to sit anymore --- everything just feels a little bit off. While she's thousands of miles away, I'm just trying to figure out how to move on while carefully avoiding the places she's missing.

To be Loved is To Be Known

I’ve known you longer than I haven’t

I met you in second grade

So I’ve known you for seven years

When I was with you I was known

My darkest secrets

My biggest insecurities

The things I hid deep down in my heart

You knew it all

But you don’t know me anymore

And everyone tells me to stop thinking about you

To stop entertaining what-ifs and to move on

To stop caring and wasting my energy on wondering

But I’m not sure how to

Because I don’t know what happened to us

One moment you were there

Then I blinked and you weren’t

One day you knew me

Then I woke up and you didn’t

But I suppose it’s ok

That you don’t know who I am now

Because I’m not sure I do either

I don’t remember what I’m like

When I don’t know you

When you don’t know me

To be loved is to be known

And I don’t know myself

Author’s Words:

My best friend of seven years and I broke up a couple months ago. Despite her knowing practically every single detail about my life, so much has happened recently that she doesn't know about.